Why bother?

(no subject)

Depending on who you are, you have known me about 7 years now. I have had a lot of ups and downs, backstabs that I committed, and many wounds to my own back. I have been called a hypocrite, martyr, sinner, saint, poet, friend, lover and all other forms of complimentary and insulting speech.

I have helped wonderful people as they found their place in the world. I have helped them become more stable, less stable, loving, uncaring, motivated, self-indulgent, just to name a few.

I did all of this because I have a need, a deep need that is somewhere in a part of my brain that I will never be able to rip out no matter no many times I drink or write or scream to the inner child I have. This need is to help others despite, and always despite, my own needs. I have given one of you my last dime in the whole world. Another one of you a caring word when my heart was filled with a loathing for you so deep that it made the very heavens reek. I even brought one of you back from the brink of death, solely to make sure that the stain of your death was not on my soul until the end of time.

I am not saying any of this because I want to be worshiped, nor pitied, I am saying this simply because it is fact, or rather, it was fact.

See, when I got married in November, my life changed in ways that I had, at that time, not foreseen as possible never mind likely. I have never felt so alive as I feel right now. Never felt the tangible feelings that I can now reach out and grasp when I have either the need or the desire.

So, as I said last night, this post will be my last.

I cannot be either the white knight nor the black prince any longer. I must simply be me, in all of my faults and wickedness, in all of my joys and splendor.

Goodbyes are rarely kept in a journal, I will never deny that, but at the very least, it shall be a time.

Goodbyes now I suppose.

My Fae above all. You are, without a doubt the single most caring friend I have ever had. You have been angry at me, but never rejected me, you have loved others I have hurt, yet never scorned me for it. You are the epitome of what it is to be a friend. A beautiful woman, a charming wit, a caring smile and a hug never to be forgotten. I twirled you about like a helicopter, I have drank along side you, I have shared tears with you. I love you Dear. No other words are worthy of such a woman save those.

Mila, I have never met nor spoken with you, yet, on a level, it seems we have known each other a time beyond our own. I hope that we taught each other many things in our time knowing one another. I wish you nothing but fortune in your life and happiness in your love.

AliGirl. What can I say, our time was short, yours and mine. But your sweetness filled those times with a cheer I will not soon forget. Your potential to do whatever please your soul is within your grasp, pray take it and fly through the heavens.

Those three I name here for they are ones who have affected my life much. Other will be called, others written, some, well, some shall pay their lip service to their masters and their farce in this play shall end.

With love do I part with you, with gentle words of understanding do I leave with you.

Remember to smile, it is a soul revealing decision.

James